My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Don’t talk down to me
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
men are simple creatures
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.