Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
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I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband