I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
You Might Also Like
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.