roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”