Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
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Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask