I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
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Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Lmfao
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura