Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
some things should go without saying
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Shower sex be like:
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet