[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

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*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*


I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.


Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.


There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-


I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.


ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about


Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…


hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for


Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call