@OhNoSheTwitnt

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

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@Fred_Delicious

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

@kimtopher22

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

@SardonicTart

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

@DartsBofficial

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

@ilovepie84

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

@wolfpupy

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

@LADaddy

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

@ItsAndyRyan

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call