My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
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Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
What a website
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canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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Yaba daba do not resuscitate
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.