My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
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Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.