DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
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terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago