DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
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Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby