There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
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[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?