My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
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Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
just left a huge legacy in there
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour