My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
PARKOUR