What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
You Might Also Like
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?