She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
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When ur friends with white people
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores