The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
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Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*