The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
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Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
this is literally a CIA plant
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True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.