JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
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HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Same pineapple, same
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!