me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
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I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations