[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.