[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
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In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
That’s fair
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.