“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
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Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My life coach traded me.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.