*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
won’t smith
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.