This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
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Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.