I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.