A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
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How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Said the murderer.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.