business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee![]()
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Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead![]()
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.