business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
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I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.