I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
thank god
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
23. the denim jacket
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”