#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals