Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Not all heroes wear capes…
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.