TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
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[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.