When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
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Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*