A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
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Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane