My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
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Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?