What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Lmao 🤣
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“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?