Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

That’s enough internet for the day

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been