If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes