Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..