12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
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Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
grotesque if literal: baby food
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
😏😏😏
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*