My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
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When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out