Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Sooo many times…..
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.