airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
You Might Also Like
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.