barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
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Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If a snake ate a cake
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.