barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
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Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
#gardening
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I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave