I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
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I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.