Tech Twitter in a nutshell πππ
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OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: JΜΆAΜΆNΜΆ JUNE!
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: itβs not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: Youβre going to Taco Bell to get nachos, arenβt you?
Me: Yes
βA mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.β – Barack Obama
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until itβs dead.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
βI donβt have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,β I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
A bad analogy is like a cucumber