Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
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[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Livid.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
😏😏😏
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama