*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk![]()
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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Holy shit he’s back
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Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this