*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress