Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
You Might Also Like
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills