You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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guys I’m going home
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
translated into Canadian
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone