*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
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My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
How animals would run if they were human
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Money is the root of all wealth
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Breaking news:
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Yes
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day