me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
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Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked