A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”