“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
You Might Also Like
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Confused owl: What?!
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.